Last week, my daughter went to treatment with me. This week, my youngest son was going to stay with me. BUT…. my white blood cells were too low again so I got a shot to boost them. I’m going back tomorrow to redo my labs. Then, depending on the results, it will either be another shot or my chemo.
It is incredibly frustrating to have to pause treatment. Every day that this is put off is another day longer tacked on to the end. I just want it to be done. The hard part is that, even if I do everything I’m supposed to do, there is still a chance that I won’t be done at the end of it. The cancer might not be 100% gone. It might come back. There is just no certainty and that’s hard.
I didn’t have treatment last week due to low WBC count. I was tired, but not exhausted. Every day felt closer to a good day, like if I could just rest a little I would wake up feeling fantastic. I didn’t, of course. But it was a hopeful week.
Monday I went for treatment and any thought of feeling ok went right out the window. This week has been ROUGH to say the least. It didn’t help that I had a colonoscopy to prep for. That went well. Now I’m up at 2:30 am in pain and unable to sleep. Hungry, but nauseous. Terrible headache.
I keep reminding myself that this too shall pass. Nothing lasts forever.
These photos were taken almost exactly a year apart. Last year, I was in California helping my daughter. This year, I can barely get out of bed. I’ve lost my hair and about fifty pounds. I’m covered in rashes and scaly patches. As bad as I look, I feel worse. But I am happier today (and more grateful) than I was a year ago.
Why?
Maybe when you are forced to fight and struggle for something you appreciate it more. I have been blown away by the support of my family, friends and even strangers. My kids have really stepped up to help – organizing fundraisers, running errands, taking over chores. My husband (who hates waiting and has never gone to the doctor with me or the kids before) has taken me to all my appointments, labs and treatments without complaint.
I am lucky.
Everyone’s journey with breast cancer is different. Some people are able to have surgery and be done. Others have chemotherapy, immunotherapy, radiation or a combination of all three. Some people gain weight, some people lose weight. Some tolerate treatment well with few symptoms, others struggle. Some people lose their hair, some don’t.
The type of cancer I have (triple negative) is very aggressive, so my treatment is as well. I’m currently doing chemotherapy (every Monday for 24 weeks) that includes Paclitaxel and Carboplatin. Every three weeks, I also get immunotherapy with Pembrolizumab. Every Friday, I get lab work done to ensure I am strong enough to handle treatment. This week, I wasn’t. Instead of my regular treatment, I had to go in twice for injections to boost my white blood cells.
Even after these six months are up, I won’t be done. It will be surgery, followed by another six months of immunotherapy. I will also get 6-8 weeks of radiation (five days a week). Hopefully, all this will be worth it, and I will achieve pCR (pathological complete response).
Whatever happens, I will continue to fight and choose to be happy.
