The last time I wrote (3 weeks ago), I was so happy and hopeful. After meeting with the oncologist, she told me that I would have to do another six months of chemo in addition to the immunotherapy. Since I only had a partial response, it is the standard of care. I was a bit deflated, but still feeling strong. A couple of days later, I had to go to the emergency room. The skin around my incision was swollen, red and hot to the touch: cellulitis. I was given IV antibiotics followed by ten days of pills every six hours. A week after finishing, the symptoms returned and they started me on another antibiotic. I finished it and it seems to have worked.
Mentally, I’m doing ok. Physically, I’m doing ok. I’m just so tired. The last couple of days have been a struggle.
Before I was diagnosed with cancer, I was a painting contractor. We started the bathroom remodel right before I had my first chemo. Seven months later it still isn’t done. When I look at this picture, I see all the things I can’t do. Patching the wall, sanding the door and painting everything should take a day at the most. I see it. But I can’t make myself do it. All I want to do is sleep – curl up on the bed and hug a pillow. I want to hold as still as possible until it passes… But how long can a life be put on hold? I’m struggling right now to reconcile what I want to do with what I need to do with what I’m actually capable of doing. I don’t like this version of myself.
