I want to be happy. I want to be positive. I want to be a good example of how to face obstacles with grace.

But…

Everything is so hard. It hurts. I am tired. The reality of cancer is that the things you have to do to fight it also destroy you. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t tired or the last day that I didn’t cry. People tell me to think about the future, about life after treatment when things will be easier. Hope is important. But, for me, it is not enough to hope for things to get better. Because what if they don’t? What if the cancer spreads and chemotherapy never ends? What if I die waiting for things to get better?

For me, it helps to put things in perspective. Something is bad. Okay, imagine if it was worse. How would I deal with that? How would I manage? Now there is a space for me to be grateful.

Today I am challenging myself to find the positives in the negatives, to flip the script in my brain.

Last night I couldn’t sleep because everything hurt. My hands and feet were tingling. I had severe abdominal pain. My legs were cramping, and I couldn’t get comfortable. I got up and took a long hot bath, remembering that less than two months ago I had surgery and was unable to take a bath. Back then, all I wanted was the ability to soak in some hot water. And now I can. Any time I want I can fill the tub and relax. There are so many people around the world that don’t have that luxury.

Gratitude.

My fingernails keep breaking down to the quick, but they aren’t turning black and falling off.

My face is covered with peach fuzz, but that means my hair is growing.

I feel nauseous, but I’m not throwing up.

I have to do more chemo, but I’m already done with one cycle.

I’m always worried about money, but I have a roof over my head.

Everything is hard, but I’m not doing it alone.

I’ve been in active treatment now for eight months. Of course I am going to get tired of it. But this isn’t a sprint. It’s a marathon. Today, I need to take a breath and readjust my attitude. Tomorrow, I go in for another infusion of Keytruda and start my chemo pills again.

I can do this. I will do this.

If you want to help with medical bills and treatment costs, here is the GoFundMe.

If you want to buy me a coffee, my cash app is $KristalArmendariz.

If you want to make me happy, leave a comment below.

Gratitude.