Month: September 2025

3 DOWN, 5 TO GO

Bathroom still not done, still tired, still taking mirror pics.
Four pills in the morning, four pills at night.

Almost halfway through. I start my 4th cycle on Wednesday – Keytruda and Xeloda. I’m starting to feel really down. The days feel endless. Everything is hard. My hands hurt. My feet hurt. I’ve been using the wheelchair when it gets too hard to walk, but I hate feeling like an invalid. I hate asking for help. Sometimes I question my life. Am I really in constant pain or is it in my head? Am I really tired or just lazy? Is it worth it? Logically, I know that it is. I want to give myself grace, but I also want to scream.

I know that finishing treatment won’t be the end, but it is what I’m looking forward to right now. In January, I will be done with active treatment. How long will it take to feel like myself again? Many months, I’m sure. Maybe a year or more. Maybe never.

I need to lift myself out of this funk and find something constructive to do with myself. I need a plan, a goal. Wednesday is my birthday. It is also the day I start back on chemo and immunotherapy. My day will be spent at the oncologist’s office and getting infusions. But I want that day to be a new start for me. The beginning of another year should hold hope and bring some joy. So, I’m going to give myself the next two days to feel sad, and then it is on to the business of creating the life that I want.

I am going to make a list of things that make me happy. Using that, I’m going to make two plans – one short term and one long term. In order to hold myself accountable, I will post them here. I need something concrete to focus on in order to move forward. If you have any advice or ideas on how to avoid spiraling, please let me know!!

In other news, they built a Starbucks a few blocks from my house and I have to pass it on my way to the doctor’s office. I’m thinking a post-infusion treat is in order!!!

I’ve had several people ask me for the link to donate, so find the info posted below. Please note that any money donated to the GoFundMe goes directly to medical bills. Cash App or Venmo donations go to living expenses (bills, food, etc.).

capecitabine

Crossposted from Facebook:

I was feeling sorry for myself this morning. I hate feeling sick and tired all the time. I’m over the constant pain and feeling alone even in a room full of people. “I’m not built for this,” I thought. “It’s too much.” But then I remembered that NO ONE is built for this. There is nothing natural or normal about chemo. This isn’t easy, but that’s ok. I’ll get through this the same way I’ve gotten through every hard time in my life. One day at a time, one hour at a time. It is important for me to document this feeling. Years from now, I want this to pop up in my memories and remind me of how far I’ve come. Future me: don’t take anything for granted!!

So, two cycles down. I was really hoping that this chemo would be easier for me. Maybe I am just weak? Why do I get every possible side effect from everything I do? *sob* So frustrating. The second cycle really hit me hard. The fatigue is out of this world. But the Hand Foot Syndrome? It is beyond frustrating. My feet start turning red and are tingling non-stop. After the first few days, they start burning. It feels like a sunburn from the inside. This time, I started getting some blisters around my toes.

It became hard to walk. I spent almost a week in either bed or the recliner. Nausea was worse. Now taking meds every day to control it. GI issues worse. Taking meds every day to control it, but still an issue.

Today was the first day it didn’t hurt to walk. I almost feel good.

I went to the oncologist’s office for my labs. On the way there, I started crying and sat outside for a good five minutes trying to get myself together. I couldn’t stop thinking that tomorrow I will get another infusion of Keytruda and start the chemo pills again. I know I’m going to start feeling bad again. It is overwhelming, and I don’t want to be doing this. As soon as the nurse started the blood draw I started crying again. So embarrassing. Sometimes I hate being me.

I should be done with all of this in January. The busy months are coming up, so I have my birthday to look forward to. Halloween. Thanksgiving. Birthdays. Christmas. It should help to have these little goals.

I really need to get out of this funk. If I can’t control it, I need to let it go. Breathe.