Almost halfway through. I start my 4th cycle on Wednesday – Keytruda and Xeloda. I’m starting to feel really down. The days feel endless. Everything is hard. My hands hurt. My feet hurt. I’ve been using the wheelchair when it gets too hard to walk, but I hate feeling like an invalid. I hate asking for help. Sometimes I question my life. Am I really in constant pain or is it in my head? Am I really tired or just lazy? Is it worth it? Logically, I know that it is. I want to give myself grace, but I also want to scream.

I know that finishing treatment won’t be the end, but it is what I’m looking forward to right now. In January, I will be done with active treatment. How long will it take to feel like myself again? Many months, I’m sure. Maybe a year or more. Maybe never.

I need to lift myself out of this funk and find something constructive to do with myself. I need a plan, a goal. Wednesday is my birthday. It is also the day I start back on chemo and immunotherapy. My day will be spent at the oncologist’s office and getting infusions. But I want that day to be a new start for me. The beginning of another year should hold hope and bring some joy. So, I’m going to give myself the next two days to feel sad, and then it is on to the business of creating the life that I want.

I am going to make a list of things that make me happy. Using that, I’m going to make two plans – one short term and one long term. In order to hold myself accountable, I will post them here. I need something concrete to focus on in order to move forward. If you have any advice or ideas on how to avoid spiraling, please let me know!!

In other news, they built a Starbucks a few blocks from my house and I have to pass it on my way to the doctor’s office. I’m thinking a post-infusion treat is in order!!!

I’ve had several people ask me for the link to donate, so find the info posted below. Please note that any money donated to the GoFundMe goes directly to medical bills. Cash App or Venmo donations go to living expenses (bills, food, etc.).