Crossposted from Facebook:

I was feeling sorry for myself this morning. I hate feeling sick and tired all the time. I’m over the constant pain and feeling alone even in a room full of people. “I’m not built for this,” I thought. “It’s too much.” But then I remembered that NO ONE is built for this. There is nothing natural or normal about chemo. This isn’t easy, but that’s ok. I’ll get through this the same way I’ve gotten through every hard time in my life. One day at a time, one hour at a time. It is important for me to document this feeling. Years from now, I want this to pop up in my memories and remind me of how far I’ve come. Future me: don’t take anything for granted!!

So, two cycles down. I was really hoping that this chemo would be easier for me. Maybe I am just weak? Why do I get every possible side effect from everything I do? *sob* So frustrating. The second cycle really hit me hard. The fatigue is out of this world. But the Hand Foot Syndrome? It is beyond frustrating. My feet start turning red and are tingling non-stop. After the first few days, they start burning. It feels like a sunburn from the inside. This time, I started getting some blisters around my toes.

It became hard to walk. I spent almost a week in either bed or the recliner. Nausea was worse. Now taking meds every day to control it. GI issues worse. Taking meds every day to control it, but still an issue.

Today was the first day it didn’t hurt to walk. I almost feel good.

I went to the oncologist’s office for my labs. On the way there, I started crying and sat outside for a good five minutes trying to get myself together. I couldn’t stop thinking that tomorrow I will get another infusion of Keytruda and start the chemo pills again. I know I’m going to start feeling bad again. It is overwhelming, and I don’t want to be doing this. As soon as the nurse started the blood draw I started crying again. So embarrassing. Sometimes I hate being me.

I should be done with all of this in January. The busy months are coming up, so I have my birthday to look forward to. Halloween. Thanksgiving. Birthdays. Christmas. It should help to have these little goals.

I really need to get out of this funk. If I can’t control it, I need to let it go. Breathe.