family

Life goes on.

There was a time, back in the day, when I blogged every night. It was cathartic, an outlet for my frustration as well as a creative endeavor. When I started this, I thought that I would do a daily post to document my journey through cancer. Ha. This fatigue is so overwhelming that (most days) the thought of opening the computer to write is more than I can bear. Most days I feel like I’m holding my breath, willing the storm in my body to calm… afraid to rock the boat.

The first few months, I was so stressed out about the things I couldn’t do around the house. Dirty dishes and crumbs on the floor drove me crazy. Now, I don’t even notice the mess. My priorities have changed. In a way, I feel like I’m in the eye of the storm. There are a million things swirling around me and I can’t afford to pay attention to any of them.

The second cycle of AC has been a little different – less pain and neuropathy but more fatigue and nausea. So, it balances out to remain awful.

Red Devil, 2 of 4

This is the fifth month that I’ve been in treatment and I’m so ready for this portion to be over. Six cycles down, including six rounds of immunotherapy and fourteen chemotherapy treatments. Just two more and I’ll have a short break before surgery. Sometime in the next month I’ll be going for another breast MRI to check the progress. I’m not really nervous. The tumor is no longer palpable, so I know the chemo is working. Best case scenario, the cancer will be completely gone and I’ll achieve pCR. Worst case? The tumor is smaller, but the cancer has spread to other areas. Of course, TNBC has such a high rate of recurrence (40%) that everything could go well, and it might still come back. That is the scary part – that all of this will have been for nothing.

In addition to the MRI, I need to meet with the surgeon to develop a plan for surgery. Treatment after surgery will depend on what type of surgery I decide to do and the results of pathology. So, there are still a lot of unknowns.

For now, I’m going to try and focus on one day at a time. I’m spending as much time with my grandkids as possible, although it is hard for me to play with them anymore.

Family

We finally got back the pictures from our family photoshoot. I’m so happy to have photos of (most of) the family together. We were missing four kids and four grandkids, but it is next to impossible to get everyone together at the same time in the same place.

We did the thing!

Shaving my head, 1/11/25

The kids all got together yesterday because we had family photos taken. Afterwards, we went home, ordered pizza and shaved my head. I’m not attached to my hair at all, so there were no tears involved. What bothered me more than losing my hair was the constant shedding and having to clean it up all the time. It was on my pillow, in the tub, on my clothing… basically everywhere. That was stressful.

I feel a million times better this morning. One less thing to worry about! Three of my kids ended up shaving their heads as well. There was a lot of laughing, chaos with the grandkids jumping around, food and fun. It was perfect.

The thing that I am most grateful for is definitely the love of my family. So often, as moms, we put everyone and everything ahead of ourselves. It is easy to disappear into the background. One thing that this whole process has showed me is that I am not alone, and that is an amazing feeling.

“When everything goes to hell, the people who stand by you without flinching — they are your family.” — Jim Butcher

Butterfly, Jon and Echo shaved their heads with me.
Starting off with a mohawk.
AB lets me borrow his dreads.
Violet wasn’t sure about it.
My baby and me.
my badass daughter
nothing but laughs last night

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Pink

The family surprised me on Christmas and everyone showed up in pink shirts that said “I wear pink for” my wife, my mom, my Kiki (what the kids call me). It was super sweet.