Busy week ahead. Tuesday, I go for labs. Wednesday, I meet with the oncologist and get my first stand-alone infusion of Keytruda. Friday, I have surgery.

Double mastectomy.

The surgeon said for my family not to wait at the hospital because it will likely be an eight-hour surgery. I will be spending the night and going home Saturday (barring any complications). I’m so nervous about it – not really the surgery itself because I will be out of it. But, I’m scared about my recovery, possible complications and how difficult it will be on my family. From all the stories I’ve read online, the surgery seems very much like chemo: different for everyone. Some people recover quickly and have fantastic results. Others struggle and their results are less than ideal. Since I’m going flat, I’m hoping that this will be a one and done surgery without the need for revision later.

Lumpectomy was an option, since the cancer was confined to my right breast and the tumor is smaller. However, after weighing everything out I decided that a double mastectomy would be the best choice for me.

• According to the surgeon, mastectomy and lumpectomy have similar survival rates. However, lumpectomy has a slightly higher recurrence rate. That means the possibility of more treatment and additional surgery is higher for lumpectomy. No thank you.
• My breasts are very large and I don’t like the idea of having one smaller and being lopsided. I already struggle with finding clothes and bras that fit.
• My breasts are also very dense. Every mammogram I’ve ever had has required a follow up ultrasound. My oncologist said that with a lumpectomy I would have mammograms every 3 months for two years and every 6 months for the following three years. That sounds like a lot of appointments and follow ups and anxiety.
• A lumpectomy would also require radiation – eight weeks, five days a week for a total of 40 treatments.
• Finally, I have insurance right now but I’m not 100% confident that I will be able to keep that insurance long term. There is a very real possibility that six months or a year from now I will not be able to pay for additional testing, scans or treatment. So, I need to set myself up for success and do as much as I can to minimize future costs.

Even though I know I’ve made the best decision for me, I’m still scared. Everything about this cancer diagnosis and the treatment has been overwhelming. I can’t even think about what I’ve been through or what I still have left. I feel paralyzed, like a deer in headlights.

If you are religious, say a little prayer for me. If you aren’t, send some good vibes my way. I can use all the positivity I can get!