Tomorrow, I go for my second treatment (Keytruda + AC chemo) and thought I should look back and reflect on the last three weeks. This round of treatment has been a hundred times worse that the first four cycles. Even though I’m going every three weeks instead of every week, the side effects are much stronger and last longer. The first week I couldn’t do anything at all. The second week was a little better, but still terrible. The third week was manageable, but I feel like I’ve been through the ringer.
The nausea hasn’t been bad. I have several anti-nausea meds that help with that. There is a general feeling of being unwell, like something is wrong with my body but I can’t pinpoint what or where. The fatigue is debilitating. I will sit there for hours trying to get the energy to do simple tasks. My life has gotten stripped down to the bare minimum, stuck in a holding pattern trying to make it through these couple of months. Other side effects include a constant headache, rashes, neuropathy. I was prepared for all of this, but what I wasn’t prepared for is the pain. Joint paint, bone pain, abdominal pain, pain under my fingernails… Ugh! I spent the first week crying uncontrollably because it was unbearable. But gradually, it has gotten better – just in time to do it all over again.
Time is a sort of river of passing events, and strong is its current; no sooner is a thing brought to sight than it is swept by and another takes its place, and this too will be swept away.
When it gets too bad, I remind myself that this too shall pass. It helps not to fight the pain, but to embrace it. Feel it wash over you and let time do its thing. I cannot control what is happening to me, but I can control my mind and find quiet and peace in the suffering. I am grateful for it. Everything that I’m going through right now is designed to beat this cancer and give me more time with my family, so how can I not appreciate that?